How to Deal with Disrespectful Adult Children

Published on: 21 Feb 2025
Clinically Reviewed by Jill E. Daino, LCSW-R
How to Deal with Disrespectful Adult Children

Parents of adult children often face unexpected challenges as their children grow older. Nobody tells you that your job as a parent doesn’t end just because your kids grow up. Your role and the relationship fundamentally change, though, and it can be tempting to fall back into parent mode when they’re disrespectful as adults. The sting of their rudeness, coupled with frustration and disappointment, can be emotionally exhausting. Dealing with disrespectful adult children is challenging, but it’s not uncommon. Many parents of grown children find themselves seeking ways to handle the complex dynamics that arise when their grown kids exhibit such behavior. Knowing you’re not alone can help parents feel supported. 

If you’re looking for tips on how to deal with disrespectful adult children, keep reading. Learn how to address and manage disrespectful behavior while fostering mutual understanding and self-respect. From setting healthy boundaries to improving communication, you need a balanced approach to parenting adult children. As years go by, the interactions with your grown child may require different approaches. However, you can work toward a healthy, respectful relationship with your grown children while still prioritizing your well-being. 

“When a family respects each other by the words and the tone of their voice when communicating, it shows that they care for each other. Although our emotions from time to time may reflect frustration or anger the majority of the time it should reflect a base level of care, respect and understanding. Over time this is the communication that supports connection and a unified family.”

Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

1. Set Clear Boundaries

If you’re dealing with disrespect, setting clear, firm boundaries with your adult children is crucial. Boundaries are one of the most effective responses to disrespectful behavior. They communicate your limits and define acceptable vs unacceptable behavior. If your adult child is often rude or dismissive, be clear that you won’t tolerate it. 

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To set effective boundaries, calmly explain the behavior that you want to be changed. Let them know the consequences if they can’t respect your new boundary. This approach not only fosters respect but also instills a sense of responsibility in your adult son or daughter. You can say something like, “I understand you’re upset, but speaking to me like this is hurtful and unacceptable. If it happens again, I will step away from the conversation.”

“You may have heard that it is our responsibility to teach someone how to treat us. This is very true most of the time we accept how someone treats us even though it causes discomfort and could be abusive. Their actions may be the result of us giving our power to them. It is powerful to say,  “No, that does not feel right to me.” Saying no may be a good practice in setting clear boundaries and a sign you can take back your power.”

Talkspace therapist Dr Karmen Smith LCSW DD

2. Stay Calm and Composed

Young adults can test parents’ patience, but maintaining composure helps. Dealing with disrespect can spark a strong emotional reaction, but responding with anger or frustration will only escalate the situation. Staying calm and composed is essential when communicating effectively and dealing with ungrateful adult children who have disrespectful tendencies.

Take a moment to pause and breathe before you respond. Then, you can approach the situation with a clear head. Communicating effectively and controlling your emotions are powerful ways to de-escalate conflict. If the behavior escalates into something more harmful, such as when parents are dealing with abusive adult children, it’s important to take appropriate action.

“Hurting people hurts people. We do not need to let ourselves be the target for hurting people. We have the power to set boundaries. We can set standards for ourselves based on what we will and will not accept, by doing this we stop a patterned cycle ”

Talkspace therapist Dr Karmen Smith LCSW DD

3. Reflect on the Underlying Issues

Disrespectful behavior often stems from deeper issues impacting your child’s actions. Look at potential underlying causes to try and understand why your adult child is acting out. Are they struggling with personal stress, dealing with unresolved childhood conflict or trauma, or resentful of something that happened? These underlying issues may be why your adult kids don’t want to be around you and are disrespectful to you.

Even though you’re not responsible for solving all their problems, showing empathy and being willing to listen can be the first step toward healthier communication. Try using a simple, nonjudgmental approach to uncover the root cause of their behavior. For example, you can say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been upset lately — do you want to talk about it?”  

4. Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively

Assertive communication is key when addressing disrespectful adult children. Assertiveness allows you to express your needs and concerns clearly without resorting to aggression.

Using “I” statements helps you explain how their behavior affects you without placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always so rude to me,” try, “I feel disrespected when you raise your voice during our conversations.” This encourages dialogue and can reduce the chance they feel defensive.

Pay attention to their perspective during the conversation, even if you disagree. Agreeing to listen is essential even when you disagree. This creates a path for meaningful conversations. Acknowledging their feelings will go a long way in establishing mutual respect and understanding.

5. Be a Role Model for Respect

As a parent, you set the tone for the relationship you build with your children. Consistently model respectful behavior and treat adult children with the same courtesy and consideration you want from them.

Note that this doesn’t mean you should tolerate disrespect. It means you show them how to navigate disagreements in calm, constructive, healthy ways. Even adult children are more likely to adopt healthy modeled behavior when they see you handling conflict with dignity and empathy.

6. Don’t Enable the Behavior

Some parents unknowingly enable disrespectful adult children by tolerating the behavior and not enforcing consequences. It’s natural to want to maintain harmony, but enabling disrespect will only make things worse.

Set firm but fair consequences for disrespectful attitudes. For example, if your son or daughter lives at home and blatantly ignores the house rules, let them know their continued disrespect will result in a loss of privileges. If disrespect continues beyond that, it might be time to discuss alternative living arrangements. Following through on the consequences is crucial and will send a strong message that you won’t tolerate disrespectful actions or behavior in your home.

7. Seek External Support if Needed

Dealing with disrespectful adult children can take a toll on your emotional and mental well-being. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. In therapy, you’ll get valuable insights and learn effective coping strategies. A therapist can help you navigate the complexities of the parent-adult-child relationship. You’ll learn to identify and effectively address unhealthy behavior patterns. Various types of therapy, such as family therapy or individual counseling, can offer valuable tools and guidance to navigate the complexities of the parent-adult-child relationship.

Professional guidance can be a game-changer if you struggle to communicate with or set boundaries for your adult child. Consider using online services for mental health support, which can be a convenient option for many parents. If you’re concerned about affordability or accessibility, some online therapists accept Medicare.  

Moving Forward with Confidence

Navigating the challenges of disrespectful adult children is not easy, but it’s a journey worth taking. Building a healthier, more respectful relationship with your adult children requires consistency, patience, and a commitment to personal growth.

Remember, you have the same right to be treated with respect as your adult children do. By setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and getting support when you need it, you can build a relationship that’s based on mutual understanding and care. Along the way, don’t forget to focus on your own mental and emotional well-being. Prioritize self-care for parents so you can continue to support your grown children in positive ways. A healthier, happier you is essential for your own peace of mind — and it can create a more positive and balanced relationship with your adult children.

If you’re overwhelmed with trying to manage disrespectful adult children, consider seeking help from Talkspace’s online therapists experienced in family dynamics. Talkspace therapists can provide the tools and support you need to reclaim or build your relationship. Take the first step with professional online therapy covered by Medicare as you begin your journey toward emotional well-being and a respectful bond with your adult child.

Sources:

  1. Oliveira C, Fonseca G, Sotero L, Crespo C, Relvas AP. Family Dynamics during Emerging Adulthood: Reviewing, integrating, and challenging the field. Journal of Family Theory & Review. 2020;12(3):350-367. doi:10.1111/jftr.12386. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jftr.12386. Accessed December 16, 2024. 

Talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health-wellness contributors; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices. Articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards.

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