Recognizing and Addressing Abuse from Adult Children

Although it can be hard to fathom, parental abuse by adult children is real, and it’s something that must be addressed immediately. Children can become abusive toward their parents in multiple ways, including emotional, financial, verbal, or physical abuse. Yet, parental abuse often gets overlooked. Whether it’s due to stigma, feeling guilty, or worrying about societal expectations, many parents struggle to admit when they’re being abused. They might fear judgment, blame, or further alienation, yet recognizing this behavior is important. 

Learning to recognize the signs and knowing how to take action is crucial in reclaiming safety and dignity when a parent is being abused by an adult child. Read on to learn more about what to do when abusive adult children harm their parents. This behavior highlights the crucial need for awareness and proactive measures to deal with the relationship dynamics involved.

Parental abuse by adult children can manifest in many ways. Understanding the signs of different types of abuse is the first, and most important, step.

Recognizing the Signs of Abusive Behavior

Abuse can take many forms, and not all abuse is the same. While some types of abusive behavior are more visible, others can be subtle and harder to detect. Understanding the different ways abuse manifests is essential in recognizing harmful patterns and addressing them effectively. Below, we outline the key types of abuse that adult children may inflict on their parents, along with examples to help identify them.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse uses verbal or psychological tactics to manipulate, belittle, or control someone. This type of abuse can leave permanent mental health scars and destroy self-esteem. 

When adult children are emotionally abusive to their parents, this disrespectful behavior  can look like:

• Blaming or criticizing the parent for the child’s struggles
• Using guilt to manipulate
• Yelling, name-calling, or using degrading language
• Ignoring or isolating 
• Threatening to abandon or cut off contact to manipulate a situation 
• Gaslighting — denying events or distorting the truth as a way to confuse and manipulate

Financial abuse

Financial abuse is rarely discussed, yet it can be just as harmful as other forms of abuse, eroding respect and neglecting the responsibility owed to one’s parents. When an adult child is financially abusive, they’ll use their parents’ financial resources for personal needs and gain. This form of abuse can leave parents in severe financial distress, and they often don’t know it’s happening until it’s too late.

Financial abuse by adult children can look like:

• Taking money without consent
• Pressuring parents for financial support
• Using a parent’s name without permission to cosign on a loan or acquire new debt
• Mismanaging money or stealing from accounts
• Demanding or taking inheritance advances
• Exploiting financial power of attorney (POA) for personal gain

Physical abuse

Physical abuse, when inflicted by adult children, is one of the most harmful forms of mistreatment, involving deliberate physical harm or intimidation through violent actions. Beyond causing physical injuries, this abuse can leave parents feeling unsafe in their own homes, creating an environment of fear and vulnerability.

Examples of physical abuse from adult children toward their parents may include:

• Hitting, slapping, shoving, or pushing, causing physical pain or harm
• Using threats of physical violence to intimidate and control
• Destroying property or personal items as a means of asserting dominance

Safety should always be a priority for parents experiencing this type of abuse. Recognizing these behaviors and seeking help—whether through trusted friends, family members, or professional support—is essential in creating a secure and supportive environment.

Neglect

When adult children neglect their parents, they fail to provide essential care and assistance. For ill or aging parents who rely on their children for help, neglect can be both physically and emotionally damaging.

Instances of adult children neglecting their parents can manifest as:

• Refusing to help with essential needs
• Withholding meals, transportation, or help with basic hygiene
• Ignoring medical concerns
• Not taking parents to healthcare appointments
• Leaving parents isolated for extended periods with no communication

“Abusive relationships can profoundly affect mental health. Parents in these situations experience many emotional struggles, including guilt, shame, and a sense of failure. They may blame themselves for this behavior, which can lead to them experiencing anxiety, depression, and diminished self-esteem.”

– Talkspace therapist Famous Erwin, LMHC, MA

Understanding the Dynamics

There’s never an excuse for abusive behavior but understanding where it stems from is the first step in addressing it. 

Abusive adult children can be influenced by several factors, including:

• Unresolved conflict in the family: Past dysfunctional family dynamics can create unhealthy patterns of disrespectful behavior, resentment, or anger that children might replay in their adult lives.
• Mental health issues: Untreated mental health conditions can cause some adult children to act abusively toward their parents and others.
• Substance abuse: Research shows that addiction is linked to an increased risk of violence and can spark aggression and manipulative behavior that can be abusive.

For elderly parents forced to rely on their children, such abuse from a grown child can leave them feeling trapped. There are many reasons a parent might tolerate or be unable to escape this problem — they may have regret about things that happened in the past or fear being abandoned. They might worry about social expectations and be too ashamed to speak up. 

How to Address Abuse from Adult Children

Addressing an abusive and problematic relationship can be overwhelming, but there are actionable steps parents can take to protect themselves and find support as they move forward. Understanding how to deal with disrespectful adult children can empower parents to set boundaries and protect their emotional health.

Set clear and firm boundaries

Firm boundaries with adult children can be vital in reclaiming control in a relationship. Boundaries communicate acceptable behavior and detail what will no longer be tolerated. For example, a boundary might mean you’ll no longer tolerate yelling or disrespectful language.  

“When setting boundaries, it is important to ensure they are clear and specific. Clearly state the behavior you will not tolerate and outline the actions you will take if the boundary is crossed. It is equally important to follow through consistently, as this reinforces the boundary and ensures its effectiveness. An example of follow-through would be calmly saying, “This conversation is over,” and then walking away or hanging up the phone if repeated behavior continued despite discussed boundaries.”

– Talkspace therapist Famous Erwin, LMHC, MA

Prioritize your safety

Prioritizing emotional and physical safety is essential when dealing with abusive behavior. Look for a safe place to go in case it’s needed. Always have a phone and contacts or emergency numbers accessible. If abuse continues or worsens, it’s time to involve the authorities, especially if there has been any physical threat of violence from your child.

Seek professional support for relationship issues or healing

Seeking guidance from a therapist or other mental health professional will help you process the abuse you’re dealing with. A good therapist provides a safe space to address and heal from the disrespect. A therapist can teach you coping tools, help you set boundaries, and show you how to prioritize self-care.

You can ask your child to go to therapy with you, or you can go on your own to heal from emotional abuse on your own.

Opportunity for clinician insight – Highlight how therapy can be helpful as you deal with or heal from abuse from children

Involve trusted family members or friends

Reach out to friends and family members you trust for emotional support and guidance — and let them intervene if necessary. Finding an ally will help you feel less alone and better equipped to deal with an adult child who’s being abusive.

Protect your financial and legal standing 

If you haven’t already done so, protecting your financial security must be a top priority once you realize you’re in a problematic and abusive situation with a grown child. The following will help to ensure your financial affairs are protected from disrespectful behavior and abuse:

• Review your bank account
• Double-check that your bills aren’t delinquent
• Check all legal documents 
• Make sure financial accounts and investments are appropriately titled and have the beneficiaries designated
• Double check you’ve legally appointed a Financial Power of Attorney (POA) you trust

Consider limiting or ending contact

If you’ve made efforts to address the abuse, but it’s still happening, you might need to limit or cut off contact. This will be extremely difficult, but protecting your physical, emotional, and financial well-being is necessary. If the situation becomes untenable, learning to navigate relationships with estranged adult children can help parents find closure and maintain emotional well-being.

Connect with community resources

If you’re looking for support, you can reach out to national and local agencies and organizations that provide assistance for anyone experiencing elder abuse. Engaging with your local community services often provides an excellent way to find much-needed support. You can find legal aid, financial advice, and counseling services to help you navigate this challenging situation. 

Reputable organizations that can help you include:

• National Elder Fraud Hotline: Helps older adults experiencing financial abuse.
• Adult Protective Services (APS): Investigates and intervenes in elder abuse cases.  
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Offers support for any abuse, including from family members.
• Elder Care Locator: Connects older adults with local services and support. 

Finding Hope and Support for a Healthier Future

Recognizing and addressing the pain caused by abusive adult children requires incredible bravery as you work to reclaim your life. You don’t have to live without the safety, respect, and financial or emotional well-being you deserve. Seeking help from trusted professionals is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

Healing from an abusive adult child can cause guilt, grief, and other complex emotions, but you don’t have to go through this alone. Professional help and support with therapy can be a game-changer, giving you the tools you need to become confident and regain your self-esteem. Online therapy can help you process and cope with your experience in a convenient and accessible format. If you’re 65+, Talkspace offers online therapy covered by Medicare, making mental health support affordable too.

Take the first step and reach out to Talkspace today to learn more about online therapy.